I’ve been doing this daily journal thing and if you’ve been reading those you’ve probably gathered that I’m having an exceptionally rough time in my personal life. On one of those posts a reader who seems to be becoming a friend replied and mentioned issues of depression and how some days just getting up is a struggle. This brought to mind the following short thing I wrote about 7 years ago. I’ve wrestled a lot with whether to publish it because of the subject matter, even though I am not graphic about it. I’m not a mental health professional, I’m a not a spiritual guide of any kind, this is not medical or soul advice. These are the thoughts of one guy trying to deal with life and pry some hope from the jaws of despair. It’s very much not “on brand” or in my niche, whatever those things mean. Still, I’m feeling pulled to put it out.
Like I’ve said, if your thoughts trend so strongly along the lines of not being here that you feel in danger, seek some help fast that is not from me. When I wrote this I was a Zen Buddhist. Shortly after this little piece I became an orthodox Christian. But that doesn’t mean life becomes sunshine and roses all of the sudden. Jesus said we’d have tribulation in this life. David cried out in despair when he thought God had abandoned him (and the Lord quoted it on the cross). As I say below, we shouldn’t lay down for these troubled thoughts and feelings but I also don’t want to whitewash them and give some trite pseudo advice. I think I stumbled on something deep here years ago and I don’t say that out of ego. I hope it’s something that can help somebody. I keep looking over it and feeling like there is something there. I hope that’s the case. I believe now that it all ends in Goodness and Glory. But right now I feel very much like I described years ago. I pray this can bless one of you somehow.
Sometimes my brain goes flying into such a negative spiral that I feel truly and thoroughly fucked. That I will never feel better, the world is an awful and hellish place, no one loves me, and every other hopelessly adolescent banality you can think of. It feels real while it’s happening, though. It feels real right now. And I can think all these things while looking out the window on a beautiful sunny day, watching hummingbirds dance and play.
That feeling where you just want out. I think many of us know it.
And boy is it the worst when people tell you that life is great and worth living and you should cheer up. That may all be true, but it’s like telling someone sitting on a plane to just be in a car. Right now. Something that's a physical impossibility. I really think sometimes you just gotta wait till the plane lands.
I don't mean that you should wallow in it. The plane ride might end in a few seconds. Maybe you can convince them to land at a closer stop. You can even learn techniques that set you up for shorter flights. But I suspect the job of life is going to require at least a little bit of metaphorical air travel.
I try not to take any pride in feeling depressed. I don't think it's cool. Although I do believe there is value in human suffering – as raw material for the transformative acts of art and human connection. Compassion cannot exist if there is no pain in the world. If nothing else, suffering is a fact of life.
We are the only animal that knows that we will die eventually. We are the only animal that can imagine the world to be different than it is. We also have the ability to make rational decisions in spite of instinctual drives. All of these capacities generate a lot of pain for us. But I learned something from Rollo May that I had never thought of before. The fact that we are aware of the possibility of death as a choice means that you must actually choose to continue living, even if it is a process that is happening in the background, unconsciously. Every time you get yourself out of bed and give it a shot you are choosing life. That's what I want to do these days. Choose life. This is what I wish for you too if you find yourself in a bad place. Ultimately, I am glad to be alive. I don't want to not be.
There is a great (but very complex) philosophy book by Paul Tillich called “The Courage to Be”. He makes the claim that courage is ontological. Ontology is the philosophical study of existence or Being. In simple terms what he argues is that it takes courage to exist. That you cannot be alive as a human being without it. When I'm feeling terrible I try to remember this. It is an act of bravery to make the choice to keep going. I don't want to cast aspersion on people who make the opposite choice. I am not here to make judgments in this case but to encourage you to choose living.
The founder of the Rinzai school of Zen said: “The miracle is walking on the earth, not walking on water or fire. The real miracle is walking on this earth.” And Shunryu Suzuki once told a student: “Just to be alive is enough.” And it is. Really. For today I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad you are too. I think we are making a good choice.
Wow, man. This....shall we say came at the right time for me. I pray this comes at the right time for someone else too. Courge to keep on keeping on - that's it. I came across my 5th year of being diagnosed with bi-polar depression (or manic depression as some people refer it to) and though I'm on medication that helps and I made better lifestyle choices (regular exercise, better diet, etc) I still have days where all I can see is pure black. Sometimes it feels like I'm being followed by a great big dog that won't leave me be. All this to say is that I see you, man and I'm glad you're still with us. Keep fighting! You've got people in your corner ♥️