Meditation:
Well, I’m already living up to the “ish” in the title of this Journal and that’s both just fine and has some dangers to it. I’ll explain. I didn’t post yesterday and I’m only now just getting to today’s at about 7pm my time.
I can say without a hint of hyperbole that yesterday was one of the worst days of my entire life. I won’t recount what happened, but suffice to say it was exceedingly awful. I don’t say this to win any internet sympathy points. I couldn’t think of something I want less than that. This feature should be helpful to you, and to me, and I don’t see what bitching to my readers is going to do for any of us. I tell you this because as a consequence of this trash fire going on in my personal life, I wrote zero words of fiction this weekend.
Now, that is okay in isolation. But here’s the thing about days off. A day or two off is no big deal, except that such things are insidious. You remember this quote from The Usual Suspects?:
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.
It’s really one of the most brilliant lines ever penned and the screenwriters didn’t come up with it honestly, they just formulated it in a really memorable way. You can rabbit trail on the web and find who supposedly said it first. The point is that I both think it’s true for the actual Devil (whom I believe literally exists) and for all manner of unproductive and even sinful actions. You’re either getting better or you’re getting worse, every moment of every day. And look, I’m not trying to scare the shit out of you, I know that sounds really rough. And it is. There is a dimension of life on which it is constant war. But the way you fight it I think is just by awareness in the moment and, as somebody said, “doing the next right thing.”
The “greatest trick” is succeeding against you when you think it doesn’t matter. Oh I’ll just binge eat that one pint of ice cream. I’ll just sneak that smoke that I told everyone I quit, just one more time. I’ll just bend the truth a little bit to get out of the consequences of bad decisions. It’s the last time. Really. I swear. Well, most of the time “one more time” is “keep doing it forever”.
What I’m getting at is you can’t really get away with anything. Reality is structured in a way where there are consequences for what you do. Of course, there is grace for your mistakes. Both from God and others, and often the consequences are really not commensurate with the bad action, in the sense that you get off the hook a little bit, but not totally. And this is the tricky part. Because when you miss one day of writing, one day of practicing anything, when you eat what you shouldn’t just one day, when you “get away” with something you know you shouldn’t, well… nothing happens. Or so we think. Until all those little mistakes and transgressions multiply into catastrophe.
Backing off a bit of the edge of melodrama I seem to be getting close to, take writing. One day missed, fine. Two, still okay. Three, things are going south. And all of the sudden three days is three months and you’re good and royally fucked. And sorry for the coarse language, but we need to realize how serious things can get in short order. You were on a mission, doing what you love, getting better, and by a series of “no big deals” you end up in apathy and disaster.
Luckily for us, the way out is also fairly simple. Just start doing the right things. Put down 200 words instead of nothing, like I advised myself and you the other day. Just start moving in the right direction in whatever small way you can, in every domain where you know you need to. We don’t have to tackle the world all at once. It’s a cliche but what the hell, remember, “Rome wasn’t built in a day”.
The salient thing is to endeavor to remember in every moment that what you do matters. You’re building your future one moment at a time and you don’t get any days off. That doesn’t mean work all the time. Go ahead and watch TV, but make sure it’s a conscious decision and not a way to zone out of life.
In short, pay attention and do your best to make the right decisions for your life path and don’t ever let the Devil convince you he’s not right there, trying to make you think it doesn’t matter. It does. You win when you recognize your enemy and make one small good decision going the opposite way he wants you to.
Viewing:
As stated, I didn’t do much productive this weekend but I did watch way too much visual media. Finished The Dark Knight and, as predicted, it was a tour de force. Easy 4.5/5 stars.
I also started Uncut Gems which I DNF’d about 1/3rd though. Maybe you’ll think I’m a philistine but I just didn’t get it. It’s filmed in this herky-jerky gonzo style and it’s trying to be “realistic” so everyone is always talking over each other and the whole thing gives me a literal headache. I think I like my movies with just a tad more artifice. I will grant that Sandler’s performance was incredible. But also I don’t want to just watch a bunch of criminals descend further into darkness. I understand tragedy and cautionary tale as archetypal genres but this move just felt like a classic case of “play stupid games, win stupid prizes”. Not for me. YMMV.
Reading and Writing:
Basically nada, to my shame. But as I said above, it’s back on the grind tomorrow before things get out of hand. If I don’t report work done by Tuesday, everybody reading this is permitted to get on my case. Should have a short story for you fine The Write Books readers by Friday.
Ciao:
Thanks for reading my rant and I really appreciate you being here. Have a great evening and I’ll be back tomorrow (most likely).
Cheers, Brady. You're a good man.
Never underestimate the bigness of small things, that the minutiae of every moment amasses to something more, that the greatest of all the world's alchemist is that a life is something cumulative.